The memorial service is over (and it was beautiful--thank you, everyone!) and the out-of-town family members have all gone home and HK has gone back to work and I am left sitting here wondering what just happened?
I'm not the same person I was before I had Toby. I was afraid for a while that nothing had changed--except that I was a year older and farther than ever from the life I want as a mom. It was as if 2014 hadn't happened--it didn't exist. But it did! And actually it was a wonderful year, up until the last three weeks.
Over the eight months that Toby grew in my womb, my love grew, too. I was constantly aware of his presence and his dependence on me to care for him and protect him. I was careful to tend my body and mind so that he would be well. I grew fond of him. I looked forward to watching him discover the world and I looked forward to sharing my favorite things with him as we explored together. I considered what I wanted for him as he grew to be a man. All of that loving changed me and I am forever changed.
I will never be the same person I was a year ago, before I had Toby. But I'm not the person I thought I would be, that I spent the year preparing to become. I don't have a baby to hold and care for. I am a mom--but I'm a mom without my baby here. This is uncharted territory--an unexpected bend in the road of self-identity. Who I am now as Toby's mom, I must now discover.
little feet and loving hands
Toby, you are part of our family and we will love you forever.
