Going Home

When it came time to leave my stillborn son's lifeless body at the hospital and go home without him, I came apart completely. "How can I possibly leave my baby here?" I sobbed. What could I do? Set him down in the dark hospital room alone and walk out the door? No, I can't do that. Hand him to one of the nurses, a stranger, and walk away? No, I can't do that. I held my baby and cried.

We had declined to see a chaplain when that was suggested to us earlier in our hospital stay. My support team (my husband HK, my best friend Amy, and my doula Sherrie) and I are all Christians and we knew our friends, family and pastors at home were praying for us and we were praying together when we needed to, so we saw no need to talk to a pastor we didn't know. But now we asked the nurse to call a chaplain for us. It was early evening and the nurse replied that they had all gone home for the day, but she would see what she could do. We thanked her and waited.

I asked to be alone with Toby. Everyone, even my husband, stepped out into the hall and I dimmed the room lights and sat in the hospital rocking chair holding Toby and looking out the window at the dark sky. Night had come on the only day I would have to hold my child on this earth. I hugged the lifeless bundle to my chest and cried. After a while, as I looked up at the night sky, I felt God telling me that it was ok--He had Toby with Him already and it was ok for me to leave Toby's earthly body there because he wasn't in it anymore. He was already home. A peace that passed all understanding washed over me and I knew I had the strength to do what must be done.

I went out to the hall, Toby still in my arms, to let the others back in. "I'm ready," was all I could say, though none of them knew quite what I meant. The nurse had located a chaplain who had left 15 minutes earlier, but was willing to turn around and come back to the hospital for us. We told the staff what we wanted to do and they sent the chaplain and a nurse into our room where my husband and Amy sat with me and Toby. The chaplain explained that he would hold Toby for us while the nurse walked us out of the hospital and then she would come back and walk with Toby and the chaplain to the place in the hospital where his body would be kept until the mortuary picked it up to prepare it to be returned to the ground.

The chaplain prayed for us, and then he accepted Toby's body on behalf of his Creator. I handed him to HK, who held him a moment longer and handed him to the chaplain. Then, I did one of the bravest things I have ever done: I stood up and walked out of the room.

HK went ahead to get the car. He and Amy had already taken our things out so I just had my purse and the little blue dog our friend Ginger had made for Toby's baby shower. The nurse got me a wheelchair ("Do you want a wheelchair? I really think I'm supposed to get you a wheelchair!" She was having a hard time, too) and she and Amy took me to the elevator. We got in with a young woman who asked on her way out, "Oh, do you have a baby?" to which none of us had an answer. Then she was gone and the nurse apologized to me, but I said, "No, it's ok. We DO have a baby. He's just not coming home with us."