I wrote "What Just Happened?" early last week but before I could post it, I got hit with a massive tidal wave of depression, fear and despair. Depression is an old familiar nightmare so utterly terrible that I'm not even going to try to describe it here. I have posted some helpful websites under "Links" but that's all I can do right now.
I know people are praying for us and God is walking through this with me. After countless used tissues, some journaling and some therapy sessions, I am feeling slightly less miserable today.
Please pray for my emotional healing and recovery. I know that the hard work of recovery is just beginning and there are unknown months of painful healing ahead of me, which feels very daunting. Please pray for me to find new courage to face each day. Please pray also for my physical healing, as my emotional pain and tension are now manifesting physical symptoms. Please pray for our insurance to cover as much of our bills as possible, both for last year and this year. Please pray for blessings for HK in his work and that he would be encouraged in his own healing process--which is very different from mine. Please pray for us to find ways to connect and grow together in all this. Please pray for God to provide what we need.
little feet and loving hands
Toby, you are part of our family and we will love you forever.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
What Just Happened?
The memorial service is over (and it was beautiful--thank you, everyone!) and the out-of-town family members have all gone home and HK has gone back to work and I am left sitting here wondering what just happened?
I'm not the same person I was before I had Toby. I was afraid for a while that nothing had changed--except that I was a year older and farther than ever from the life I want as a mom. It was as if 2014 hadn't happened--it didn't exist. But it did! And actually it was a wonderful year, up until the last three weeks.
Over the eight months that Toby grew in my womb, my love grew, too. I was constantly aware of his presence and his dependence on me to care for him and protect him. I was careful to tend my body and mind so that he would be well. I grew fond of him. I looked forward to watching him discover the world and I looked forward to sharing my favorite things with him as we explored together. I considered what I wanted for him as he grew to be a man. All of that loving changed me and I am forever changed.
I will never be the same person I was a year ago, before I had Toby. But I'm not the person I thought I would be, that I spent the year preparing to become. I don't have a baby to hold and care for. I am a mom--but I'm a mom without my baby here. This is uncharted territory--an unexpected bend in the road of self-identity. Who I am now as Toby's mom, I must now discover.
I'm not the same person I was before I had Toby. I was afraid for a while that nothing had changed--except that I was a year older and farther than ever from the life I want as a mom. It was as if 2014 hadn't happened--it didn't exist. But it did! And actually it was a wonderful year, up until the last three weeks.
Over the eight months that Toby grew in my womb, my love grew, too. I was constantly aware of his presence and his dependence on me to care for him and protect him. I was careful to tend my body and mind so that he would be well. I grew fond of him. I looked forward to watching him discover the world and I looked forward to sharing my favorite things with him as we explored together. I considered what I wanted for him as he grew to be a man. All of that loving changed me and I am forever changed.
I will never be the same person I was a year ago, before I had Toby. But I'm not the person I thought I would be, that I spent the year preparing to become. I don't have a baby to hold and care for. I am a mom--but I'm a mom without my baby here. This is uncharted territory--an unexpected bend in the road of self-identity. Who I am now as Toby's mom, I must now discover.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Memorial Service
There will be a memorial service for Toby on
Friday, January 16 at 4:00 pm at
Granada Heights Friends Church
11818 La Mirada Blvd.
La Mirada, CA 90638
All who love us are welcome to attend.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
This is today
I woke up this morning and wrote in my journal. Used a dozen tissues before breakfast. Posted my journal entry as a new blog page called "Going Home."
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