Good days, bad days, and a new job for HK!

HK has a new job! He started at the beginning of February with Liftech, repairing and modernizing elevators. This is something he's wanted and worked toward for 9 years and he is really enjoying it! I'm so proud of him and his hard work and patience and faithfulness.

A new job meant getting private insurance until he is eligible for health benefits in 6 months. That was icky, but we applied for new policies and now I am just waiting for the last few snags to get worked out.

Please pray that our claims get paid in this difficult season. There are some claims that need to be reprocessed, which can be quite a nightmare. Insurance headaches don't make grieving and recovery any easier and are especially stressful for me.

Please pray for HK to do well and find favor with his new company as he learns a new job. Praise God with us for His provision and blessing. And pray for both of us to adjust to his new schedule (up at 4 am and bed at 8 pm!) and still make time to connect and live life together.

As for me, good days and bad days and a lot of big ups and downs are to be expected right now. I've had 4 or 5 really good days in a row, which was a welcome relief. My therapist cautioned me not to analyze my good days, which is really hard because I want to know how it happened (how did I eat/sleep/what did I do differently?) so I can get more good days or at least predict the bad days so I can plan for them--but it doesn't work that way. He said just enjoy the good days when they happen.

It's really hard not knowing what to expect. Will I be able to walk into that room full of people or accomplish that task on any given day, or will I be crying too hard? I never know. And I'm a planner, so it's hard not knowing. And how long is all of this going to take? How long before I will feel better? How long until I don't cry every single day? There's no way to know that either. My therapist reminds me often that it won't always feel this way, and to be patient with myself. For now, I'm doing what I need to be doing. It just feels really, really horrible.

So I go to the gym, go for a walk, journal, rest, connect with the people on my support team, tend the flowers and herbs I got for my little container garden when my mom was here, try to remember to eat, try to remember to breathe, try to pace myself with the phone calls and bills and errands and chores so I don't get too overwhelmed. And I take my vitamins and play Plants vs. Zombies. And I think and reflect and remember and try not to get too overwhelmed and try not to ask myself how long it might take to feel brave enough for hopes and dreams again.